Alice Costigan

What, how and why?

I’ve written my “why” a dozen times. But I can’t explain my why without unraveling my what and my how.

“What’s happened to you? How did it make you feel? Why has it influenced your addictions, your self loathing, your disgust for your body, your behaviours?”. Overthinking and oversharing AGAIN.

I wanted to write down something relatable, genuine, inspiring, perfect and considered. What is “perfect” anyway? How is it supposed to look? Why does not hitting a standard I’ve set way too high for myself, spike my cortisol?

Hello imposter syndrome my old friend.

I used to think stable mental health and emotional regulation meant copying the people who looked stable and regulated. The ones with faith coming out of their pores, praising God and denouncing the Gays, the immigrants and sinners. They know exactly what box they fit in and what they wanted to achieve.

I’m turning 40 this year, and one of my biggest lessons has been learning to coexist with my dark and my light. Those socially “stable” people? They’re often the most unhinged when no one’s watching. ‘Religion is for people who fear hell, spirituality is for people who have been there’.

The never-ending noise in my head controlled the volume of my voice. My younger self didn’t have the language or the coping mechanisms, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way if I can help it. Supporting this challenge is my way of paying it forward, ever grateful for the years I didn’t want to but survived —to the younger versions of me and to anyone who needs to hear that there’s another way through.

At 16, I filled notebooks instead of playlists. I had no Spotify, no instant Google hits or doom scrolling. I just had a weird way of holding my pen and too many thoughts that didn’t know where to land. Notebook after notebook were filled. This a full circle moment.

In 2023, 3,144 Australians lost their lives to suicide. 31.8% of those deaths were represented by suicide in 15-17 year olds.

These aren’t just numbers—they’re humans who couldn’t find the words, or the right support, before it was too much.

So this challenge, I’m shutting up so someone else can speak up. If you can, I’d love your support —because even small acts matter.