It really means a lot that by sharing this on my story, I have been able to reach people who also believe in this cause and I am so grateful and amazed that I have been able to amass the amount I have so quickly.
As I mentioned in my Instagram story, the cause is very meaningful and personal to me. To this day I believe prevention methods and education is lacking and while I appreciate the sensitivity of this topic, the seriousness and it's ability to impact anyone necessitates conversation.
I'm doing this challenge particularly for a 15 year old Lil. Lil Lil had been talking to a school counsellor for a while who despite tried raising this with her father, did not feel she had anyone who would take her problems seriously. I especially didn't want to turn to my friends who seemed to have normal lives, nor did I want to concern my sisters who had their own things to worry about.
Instead, I felt security in anonymity and the freedom to talk at length on my Tumblr, as I had found community in the exposure to people who had felt similar ways.
One day I posted that I had plans to end my life. The next day, one of my friends from school ended up telling the school counsellor so I was led to her office, talked to her for a while and she decided the best practice was to call an ambulance. I remember sitting in it and feeling so numb to their questions like how and where I would do it, as if my own life was an object, as if I was so removed from it.
I remember loving the hospital. So much so that when my dad came to collect me, I cried asking them to let me stay longer, which I did. They had a routine as to when to eat, shower and they would draw the curtain around you with a clipboard in hand, asking you how you were. It felt very genuine and intentional while being very clinical at the same time. This was followed up with 10 free sessions with a Suicide Prevention program which I not only used up in a few months, but as a 15 year old with a dad who didn't take my struggle seriously, I never got to continue.
The second time I went to hospital it felt like another last resort, but I had been engaging in self harm and had been experiencing undisclosed overwhelm and loneliness. I had been told by some people around me that I couldn't see the hospital as a means to escape my life but I couldn't literally do that either. This lead me to just keeping my head down and shutting down on all my emotions and by extension my goals and my hobbies.
A few years later, I was no longer afforded the luxury of living in my friends spare bedroom/sharing a room with a friend; I was now renting. I saw myself enter adulthood and develop hyperindependence. I had disregarded all of my mental health struggles as it didn't feel safe to, the aim was to survive, to barely scrape along. There was a point that I did try to see a therapist, but when confronted with the difficulty of getting an appointment, the costs and of course actually resurfacing all your suppressed emotions, I decided to give up on it. There were also points that I would indulge in some dangerous behaviours, including different forms of self harm.
The most recent chapter to my mental health journey takes place last year. I'm in a much better paying job, my partner and I live in an amazing apartment, my friendships are enriched and I am making time for things that I love. I feel very privileged and generally am really happy. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, but then for one week straight, I start experiencing the most terrifying and intense nightmares. They're all so extremely detailed, the world is so illustrated I question whether or not I've just awoken from them, or if they really happened. The dreams all have one thing in common - they reflect different parts of my childhood. From being in the car with my drunk father, to intense arguments with my sister, to my mum being in hospital. I had been at such a state of safety and wellness, that these concepts that still existed in my subconsciousness had reemerged. I became scared to go to sleep. It was because of their intensity and their frequency to each other that I decided to seek help. I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD and am currently seeing a really amazing therapist who has been extremely patient and gentle, when navigating these old yet open wounds.
This challenge is important to me, because I really believe in the need for more suicide prevention resources and education around mental health. I feel that throughout this time, I have never felt equipped enough to manage my own mental health or that any profound help was available to me. To this day, I mourn the future that Lil Lil was denied, a future that they were capable of. But I am doing this challenge now, I am putting an arm around the young version of myself, supported, actively working on myself and having made it to 27 years old. I believe that I can help reshape the narrative of other people who are struggling the same I was.
Thank you so much for reading my story and giving me the space to express it. Once again, I really appreciate your support in this matter and am grateful for all the hands I have on me in my life and during this time.
If there is anything you ever want to talk about, I will always be the first person who will tell you I am here to listen. I understand how scary it feels to be introspective and how much of a burden you may feel you are. This is a strong reminder that you never are and that you never have to endure anything alone. I am always here for you and I truly believe it aligns with my purpose to be here for as many people as I can be.
Will be thinking of you Lil and very impressed by your challenge! Xx